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The emptiness engulfed me as I walked through the doorway. A room once filled with the love of two people who were close enough that it seemed we read each others thoughts now seemed barren. Not devoid of the materialistic trappings of life in this age. The sofa and matching love seat, the entertainment center, the wine rack and shelves of knick-knacks, all the things were there. But the love was gone and I didn't believe it would ever return. I thought back to the day weeks earlier, when I had shoved that love right out through the doorway of our home. Now my home. Mine alone, for now and probably forever. When I had called the one man that I had come to love more than anyone else on Earth, more than even myself, "sick and twisted". When I had sent him from our home in tears, a suitcase in his hand and hissed at him to "go and keep your sick, pervert self far the hell away from me." The tears flowed moments after the door closed behind him. I'd been so self-righteous. Filled with anger at what I perceived as a betrayal. A breech of trust that nothing would ever seal. Loathing a man whom hours before I'd thought the world of. But when the tears began to flow, they started etching a void within me. And like the trickle of a tiny stream flowing down a wall of granite, that small void widened with each passing drop of water. Every tear intensified the loss I felt and now some weeks later, I wondered how I would go on. I'd had trouble with everything from the moment he walked out the doorway. The next morning, I'd cried when I had gone to the dresser to get lingerie to wear that day at work. After seeing the man I loved wearing my lingerie and masturbating himself, I didn't know how many other times he'd done it. I didn't know if he'd worn any of the things in my lingerie drawer. The thought disgusted me. That morning I threw every single pair of panties, hose and bra out into the trash. On the way to work I stopped at the convenience store and bought hose. At lunch I ran to the nearby department store and bought enough new lingerie to get me through until I could make a real shopping trip. After two days of crying most of the time, I finally sought help. Even in choosing a therapist to see, I was guided by the image of what I'd seen my man doing. So I chose a therapist who specialized in gender disorders. Lucille Alton-Michaels-Jones was a name that I'd chosen from an ad in one of those weekly newspapers. She was able to get me in the day after I called. "Hi Rachel. Call me Lucille." Her office was a quiet place, a converted apartment in a building that had become office spaces. I followed her through what had once been a living room, into what had probably been the master bedroom. There was a chair and a sofa and I practically flung myself down on the sofa, squirming and moving around until I felt comfortable. "Good, you look like you're comfortable. Now why have you come here?" I took a deep breath before answering. "I can't stop crying since Daryl left." "Okay. How about some background about who Daryl is, and why he left?" "Daryl and I have been together for eight years now. We never married, but we'd talked about it. I threw him out a few weeks ago when I came home and found him wearing some of my lingerie." "I see. So did you choose me as a therapist because I do a lot of work with gender-conflicted men?" "That was part of it. I was hoping you could help me understand this." "I probably can, but let's explore what happened prior to this incident. Had you seen or thought that Daryl was wearing your clothing before you found him that time?" It took me a moment to review our eight year history. Not once did I ever see or imagine that Daryl was wearing any of my clothes. "Not that I remember. Things had been good." "What about your sex life? When was the last time you and Daryl made love, before the time you found him in your lingerie?" I didn't hesitate to answer that question. "The night before. It was great. At least I thought it was great. He seemed to enjoy it. Then we cuddled and I fell asleep on his chest." "Had your sex life been satisfying to both of you up until this incident? As far as you could tell anyway?" Again, reflection. Review. Daryl never complained. I was always ready and willing. Anywhere and everywhere. We'd made love in the back of cars, on board a plane, in his office, in my office. We'd had a terrific sex life and I couldn't think of a single reason for him to be dissatisfied. "It was great. We both enjoyed making love and did our best to please one another. There was nothing wrong with our sex life." "How often did Daryl masturbate?" "I never saw him doing it before then, so I don't know." She questioned me about our sex life for almost half of our one hour appointment. Then she finally began to explain a little about what she referred to as "gender-conflicted men". "There are as many levels of what I refer to as gender-conflict as there are floors in a tall building. At the very top is the transsexual who knows without doubt that he is a woman trapped in a male shell. At the bottom floor is the normal, heterosexual male, who may be aroused by wearing panties. Those are the extreme ranges in the tower of gender conflict as I refer to it. Now what we don't know is on which level your Daryl's conflict resides." "Does anyone ever leave this tower of yours?" "Yes. Some resolve their conflicts, decide not to touch their female sides ever again, and walk out completely. Others walk out through the top of the building after having transitioned into living full-time as women. Those who go out through the top leave after their sex changes are complete." "So how would I know about all these levels and find out where Daryl is?" "You could ask him." "I don't know where he is, and even if I did, I don't know if he'd talk to me." "We'll talk more about it next week. Our time is up." I spent a lot of the next week thinking about my sex life with Daryl as a result of that hour I spent with Lucille. No matter how much I thought back, I couldn't remember a time where Daryl wasn't totally satisfied. I also tried to recall any event where he'd been involved in my clothing. Aside from times when he bought some lingerie for me as a gift, he'd never really taken any interest in what I wore. I did get a call from a friend of Daryl's that week. He wanted to come by and get some things of Daryl's. I asked him if he would give me a phone number or address for Daryl, and he said "sorry, he doesn't want to talk to you right now." "Why not? I need to talk to him." "Rachel, you need to respect his wishes right now. After all, you're the one who threw him out. Give him time and maybe he'll want to talk to you. I'll tell him you asked about him." Daryl's friend took some of his clothes and books that had been left behind. The house seemed even emptier after those things were gone and it got worse the following morning. Daryl's friend called again. "Hi, it's Tom. Can I come by and get a few things I missed yesterday?" "Yes. Did you talk to Daryl about talking to me?" "Yes I did. I have a note for you. Can I come over now?" "Please." Tom had a pickup truck this time and he proceeded to take every single thing that was clearly Daryl's. The note was not typical of the man I loved with all my heart. He'd never been terse with his words. This note was just that. "Rachel, Tom will collect the rest of what's clearly mine. Make me an offer for what was 'ours' and if it's fair, I'll accept it and time payments. I'm not interested in talking to you at this time. Maybe when I've had more time to deal with being called sick and perverted by someone who I thought loved me. Daryl" "Tom, what if I gave you a note for him, would you take it to him?" "No. The only message he's interested in right now is a number. A number for his half of the furniture and other stuff that you're keeping." "Dammit Tom, I want to heal this rift between us and you aren't helping." "I think I am. I am trying to keep it from getting worse while he heals. Now if you aren't ready with a number, just call me when you are." "Fuck that, I'll write him a check." I sat down at the computer and added up the prices we'd paid for the furnishings of the house. I also used the mortgage amortization program to calculate how much equity we'd acquired through the years of payments. Then I pulled out the checkbook and wrote a check. "I have to call and make a transfer to cover this but I'll do it today" I said as I wrote out the check for the full amount. In the advice section I wrote "I love you. Forgive me. Rachel." Then I signed it and handed it to Tom. He folded it up without looking at it and put it in his shirt pocket. "I'll give it to him when I see him today." "And that was the last I'd heard." "Rachel, what if Daryl can't get over those things you said and you never get another chance with him. Can you accept that?" "I may have to someday. But not yet. I love him and I'm not giving up on it just yet." "Fair enough. When and if the day comes where you get another chance to talk to Daryl, just how do you intend to approach the subject of his dressing up?" I didn't like it that Lucille could make me think so easily. I'd come here for comfort and succor and instead was having to use my brain to think. "Well I hope to be able to tell him that I've researched the subject and understand it better." "Good. I will give you a list of books and websites to check out. What else?" "I don't know what else" I said after another moment of reflection. "I want you to consider something. There is a group of cross-dressers that meets here once a week. This group happens to be made up of men who either don't have a female significant other, or are in a relationship with a woman who doesn't accept their dressing up. They would love to have a woman help them to look better. If you were interested, I'm sure they might help you better understand their desires regarding wearing women's clothing. Want to come to one of their meetings?" I didn't know what to expect. A 12 step group trying to lose their compulsion to wear pantyhose or a room full of sissified men in their girlfriend's undies. Lucille didn't normally attend their meetings, but she came to the start of this one, to make sure they wanted me there. I waited outside feeling like an actress waiting for an audition. Lucille came out to talk to me. "They would love to have you. Just go in and introduce yourself and then listen to what they have to say for awhile. They will eventually start asking you to help them." I went into the meeting room and found five men dressed completely as women. They all looked at me and I felt embarrassed. An outsider. A member of a club that they all wanted to join, but never could. "Hi, I'm Rachel and Lucille told you why I'm here, at least I hope she did." "She did Rachel and you are welcome here. Sit down while we introduce ourselves. I'm Marcie. We go by our femme names during meetings and use female pronouns in our conversations and hope you'll do the same with us." Marcie was clearly the leader of the group. "She" was also the least likely to ever pass for a woman. As she sat back down I observed that she had to be at least six foot five without the spike heel shoes she was wearing. She had broad shoulders and a thick neck and I wondered where in the world she'd found a dress to fit her proportions. It dawned on me that she might have been a football player once. "Rachel, I'm Alice. I'm so glad you're here, so much I'd love to ask you." Alice was sitting next to Marcie. She looked to be about my height and scarier still, my weight. She needed a bit of work, but with it, she could probably pass for a woman. She was fashionably attired, a pleated skirt, soft sweater, dark tights, and a pair of Sam and Libby chunky heeled shoes with the laces tied in big bows. A pair of shoes just like one I had at home. "I love your shoes Alice, I have the same pair." "Rachel, my name is Kristin." Kristin was short, and not fat, although there was the beginnings of a male pot-belly visible beneath her silk blouse. She could also have passed as a female, except for the incredible amount of hair on her body. I saw it beneath the silk blouse, both in front, and as she turned to adjust a cushion on the sofa before reseating herself, on her back. Still, with some depilatory, a maybe. "They call me Daphne and I would appreciate it if you do the same" the blonde next to Kristin said. She was wearing a bouffant blonde wig and looked a little like Dolly Parton at first glance. Short, with big bosoms. But as I looked at her more closely, I realized that Daphne was much too squat to carry off the impersonation. I didn't know what she was trying to do, but she looked silly. "My name is Diane" said the final member of the group. I had to do a double take when I looked over at her. That was because she looked like a real woman. She wore a cotton print skirt with a black blouse, black tights and a pair of chunk heeled loafers just like the pair I was wearing. As I looked her over, I was amazed at how feminine she looked. Tiny stud earrings in her ears, long hair with a clip pulling it back from her ears and a charm bracelet on one wrist. "Thanks for making me feel so welcome. Lucille said you would go on with your meeting for awhile while I sat in and then you all might want to ask me some questions." "Yes, that's what we thought would be best. When you came in, Daphne was just talking about her experience in buying that wig she's wearing." "I was so pissed at this woman. Making such a fuss about me buying the wig. I was paying good money, cash even. And this bitch started doing her best to embarrass me. I was so angry that if I hadn't really wanted this one, I'd have walked out of the store right then and there." "Why didn't you" Marcie asked. "Because I wanted the wig." "So you let her insult you and you still spend your money in her business. That's one of the things we need to work on. Our self-esteem and positive image. We do not need any of the things we want to wear badly enough to allow others to degrade us. There is nothing wrong with dressing and we shouldn't let anyone try to dictate to us that there is." Powerful words I thought, sitting there, soaking it all up. Marcie was right. There wasn't really anything wrong with a man who wanted to dress up in women's clothes. That act, in and of itself, wouldn't harm a soul. I sat through the rest of the meeting silently, listening to how these men encouraged one another, helped each other deal with the problems they'd encountered and were willing to share. Towards the end, Marcie turned to me. "Rachel, what do you think? Can at least some of us pass out in the world?" I paused for a moment. "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so please forgive me. Some of you can, and some of you probably can't. I'd be more than willing to help all of you improve your feminine appearance, but I won't lie and say all of you could eventually "pass" as women. The meeting ended with the appointment book in my purse heavy with the weight of six new meetings. Between now and the next meeting of the group I would spend an hour with each of the five "ladies" of the group and then I would return for the next session of the group. I hadn't intended to meet with the "ladies" of the group in any particular order, but somehow we had ended up with it arranged that I would meet with them in the order in which I'd met them in the room. Coincidence or merely the fact that I'd started with Marcie and then gone around the room to find the times to tuck into my book. Marcie and I would meet the following evening, at my place. I'd told her to bring a few of her things and that we'd do the best we could. "First thing I'm going to suggest is that you stop wearing big high heels, Marcie" I said as I invited her into the house. "But the heels make me feel feminine and that's an important part of the experience for me." "Lower heels would accomplish the same and appear more realistic. How tall are you Marcie?" "Six foot four." "Right. And a woman who was six foot four wouldn't want to exaggerate that fact by wearing four inch spikes. She'd feel conspicuous enough already about being taller than almost all other women and most men. She'd want to minimize the differences and wear lower heels." "I do have a nice pair of flats." I ended up spending far more than the scheduled hour with Marcie. Part of the time was spent working on ideas and ways to draw attention away from his broad shoulders and thick neck. Either draw the attention away, or camouflage them. But most of the time was spent trying on different shades of makeup. It was like my first slumber party all over again, although it was with only one other girl. She loved playing with makeup. I did try once to start a conversation about Daryl and where his interests might lay and when I did, Marcie said a very insightful thing. "You have to ask him, Rachel. Just because we're both men who have worn panties doesn't mean I know anymore about what he likes and dislikes, or wants than you do." Trying a different tact, I asked Marcie about her own motivations and just how far up the elevator in Lucille's building of the levels of gender-conflict would she ride. "Good question Rachel. Maybe the key question for any of us. The answer is that I love pretending to be a woman, but I'd never go through with the surgery. But I do fantasize about it, and it excites me. The dressing up works to a degree, but it's when I can close my eyes and in my head I see me as a real female that I get the best satisfaction." "So you masturbate to these fantasies?" "Yes. You seem shocked. Shocked that I'd admit it?" "Not at all. Shocked that it is such a turn-on." "Different things turn different people on, Rachel." Alice invited me to come to her home. When I asked if it was alright, worried some of her family members might object to my presence, she assured me that no one would mind. I found that not only was Alice there, but so were her wife and daughter. "Rachel, I'm Sheila, Alice's wife and this is our daughter Monica." Monica was a teen and clearly in love with her family. "You're going to help my Dad dress as Alice?" "Yes Monica. Does that bother you?" "No. I think it's cool. My dad is so great, he helps with my homework and all that, but he listens. Not like my friend's dads do. I think his dressing up makes him easier to communicate with." "Wow" I thought. "Out of the mouths of babes." I spent an hour with Alice in the spare bedroom of their comfortable home. Again, we did a lot with makeup. But a lot of what we were doing was sitting and walking, once we got Alice dressed. She went through several outfits before deciding on something. A long skirt, below the knee, in a print pattern, with a black blouse and black tights. She wore the same Sam and Libby shoes and I assumed they were her favorites. "Why those shoes" I asked innocently enough. She smiled disarmingly. "They are just like a pair my daughter owns. We bought them together." When we emerged from the bedroom, Sheila and Monica applauded Alice. She looked radiant. She looked terrific. She also looked alarmingly female. I doubted anyone would be able to detect her impersonation without a close physical examination. "You look good, Alice, really good" her wife said. "Yeah Dad, and you're wearing our shoes. How cool!" "Rachel, would you like to stay for dinner?" "Actually, I am hungry, but it seems a shame to keep such beauty as Alice's locked up here at home." Where had that come from? Now not only was I helping these men to dress up like women, I was going to take one out and show 'her' off in public? Where was my brain going with this? I didn't care. I saw the look of fear on Alice's face and moved to deal with it. I'd worry about what was motivating me to do what I was doing later on. "Don't fret, Alice. No one would ever suspect that you're not just another pretty girl in a dress. Tell her, Sheila." "Honey, Rachel is right. This is the best you've ever looked. Come on, let's go out to dinner." The restaurant was a bit crowded but not too bad. We had to wait a few minutes for a table. I watched as Alice and Sheila sat together on the sofa in the foyer of the restaurant. There must have been a nervous moment, because I saw Sheila take Alice's hand in her own and squeeze it for a moment. Then Alice relaxed, crossed her legs at the knee, and seemed to almost fall deeper into femininity at that moment. It was like something within her had shifted ever so slightly on the gender scale and she'd moved closer to being a woman than before. Dinner was a great success. Alice managed to disguise her voice enough to order her own meal and she delighted in that fact. But the highlight was when she and I went to the ladies room near the end of the meal. I was in the stall when I heard the restroom door open. I finished my business and as I exited the stall, I saw Alice standing at one mirror, repairing her lipstick, while some woman I didn't know stood at the other. The other woman turned to Alice and said "I love your dress. Where did you get it?" "You'll laugh, but my daughter gave it to me as a gift." "Well, she obviously has good taste, must have gotten it from her mother." The woman left just as I sidled up to Alice. "Did you really get that from Monica?" "Yes, it was a gift from my daughter. A Father's Day gift." If Alice's family was the textbook example of a family accepting a man's desire to dress as a woman, Kristin's was the textbook example of failure to accept it gracefully. She called on the day of our scheduled meeting. Her wife's car had broken down and she wanted to know if I could either pick her up, or meet with her at her home. I asked her which she preferred and she said she would like it very much if I'd swing by and pick her up. Since she didn't live too far from my house I agreed. "Oh, so you're the one encouraging my Steven to dress in drag?" "My name is Rachel. You are?" "I'm Toni, Steven's wife. I refuse to call him Kristin. He isn't a woman and he shouldn't pretend to be one." "If this bothers you so much, why do you stay with him?" "He and his faggy friends don't do anything but dress up, and I guess they aren't harming anyone except themselves and their stunted masculinity. But if I ever find out he's going any further with this than dressing up, I'll divorce him in a New York minute. And don't you dare shave off any of that hair on him, I love my man furry like a bear." With that, Toni was off to work at her job as a nurse on the night shift. Kristin came downstairs in her male garb, carrying a suitcase of things. "We have a rule, no dressing in the house. It was one of the accommodations I made when she discovered my hobby. We had some major fights and then we went to see Lucille. Once Toni was convinced that I'm not a TS, she was willing to allow me to dress up, but not be involved with it, and not let it take place in our home. And she has other rules. No shaving, no ear piercing, and so on." "So what do you want to accomplish when we are dressing up at my place?" "Nothing really. I just wanted a chance to dress up with a real woman who accepts me as I am. I don't think I'll ever get Toni to, and I wanted to see if the idea of having a GG involved is as wonderful as I think it is." We spent a very pleasant two hour interlude in my house, with Kristin trying on a number of outfits. We talked about matching skirts and tops, and how shoe selection was important, but Kristin didn't really care to improve her appearance. She just wanted someone female to accept her as she was and I didn't mind. I could also see how excited doing this was making her. "Kristin, I think you might want to visit the powder room upstairs and check your makeup or something." "What do you mean?" "Well, that bulge in your skirt is decidedly unladylike." She actually tittered before excusing herself and going upstairs. I noticed something had changed when she came downstairs. She seemed downcast and it didn't take long before she wanted to climb back into her male garb and go home. I tried to draw her out to talk about it, but she wasn't having any of it. Rather, he wasn't having any of it. "Kristin, we can do this again if you'd like." "That would be nice, Rachel. I hope you work things out with your husband." "Oh we weren't married. But thanks." I saw Lucille the next afternoon and described what had happened. "Well, Marcie said something strange to me. She said that she fantasizes about really being a woman and finds that to be erotic, but she also said she'd never consider changing sex." "That's Marcie alright. There's a relatively new concept among people in my field, and those who believe in it call it Autogynephilia." "What is that?" "Just a concept. Simply put, the original theory was that no one who was a true transsexual would be erotically aroused by the idea of becoming a woman. Now there are some who think that autogynephiles are transsexuals who also find sexual stimulation in the process. Marcie may or may not be a TS, but that's really something she'll have to decide for herself." "What about Alice and Kristin?" "Ask them, Rachel. I can't go into the specifics of their cases. Marcie gave me a waiver to discuss her situation with you, because she really appreciated your help. I haven't asked the others to do that and I'm not going to. But you can tell me what you think. I may or may not be able to comment, depending on what you say. But use what you've learned and try to determine for yourself." "I'll try, Lucille." I stopped for a moment, collecting my thoughts. "I think Kristin is a cross-dresser, who gets her rocks off on the dressing." "Why do you say that?" "After she was all dressed, she went into the bathroom and masturbated. At least I think she did. Then she wanted to put on her male clothes." "She was experiencing the post-masturbatory guilt that many cross-dressers experience when they've had their orgasm and they find they are still dressed." "So Daryl could have been going through the same thing when I found him that day?" "Quite possibly, although until we finally get to talk to Daryl about these issues, we won't know for certain. What about Alice?" Alice wasn't clear to me. "I don't know. She seemed to enjoy the clothes, but she also enjoyed passing as a woman in public. She also loved the fact that her wife and daughter were involved in her dressing and supportive. But I'm not sure if she wants to go beyond just dressing up and I didn't ask her." "Good, Rachel. You're learning. A lot of what goes on with these men who have gender-conflict issues cannot be understood without examining their own feelings and motivations. Next time you're alone with Alice, ask her. Her answers might surprise you." Cravings are a part of my life and when I got home that evening after my session with Lucille, I was struck with one. A craving for cashews. I'd hidden a can somewhere for this eventuality some time ago. Daryl had a bad habit of eating my craving foods and so I'd had to hide them. I searched and searched and found the cashews. They were behind the laptop case in the linen closet. "Wait a sec" I thought. My laptop and case were in my office. What was this? I opened it and discovered it was Daryl's spare computer. I started to call Tom to come and pick it up and then decided to see if I could learn more about Daryl by searching the hard drive of this computer. Yes I was invading my former lover's privacy, but my motive was pure. I wanted to win him back. To find out what I had to do to make him happy and do it. So I booted up his laptop and began to explore. The files I wanted were in a hidden directory and had themselves been hidden. I unhid them and sat down to read. Long past the hour when I would have eaten dinner, I was still reading the stories that my former lover Daryl had downloaded from the internet. Stories about men being forced against their will to dress as women. Stories about men being magically transformed into women. Stories that ran the gamut between the two. There were so many. But the one that finally gave me a couple of the insights into the man I loved was there. It was one he'd written. One that had a character that was obviously him. A story where I was also obviously the model for another character. If this was what he wanted, what he needed to make him happy, I would give it to him. Given another chance that is. I still had to figure a way to get that second chance. I didn't tell Lucille about my discovery at our next session. Instead I related the story of my encounters with Daphne and Diane. In excruciating detail in one case and in amazement in the other. "I went over to Daphne's house to meet with her. She was supposed to be alone, but her wife Michelle had decided to stay home. I wondered about this at first but the reason became obvious. She didn't want to take an active role to help Daphne, but to ridicule her efforts. But that wasn't the strangest part. It took me awhile to understand, but Daphne doesn't want to just dress up like a woman. She wants to dress up like specific women. Famous women." "Any in particular?" "Dolly Parton is one, Pamela Anderson is another." "What did her wife do while you were coming to this conclusion?" "Well, we were going through her wardrobe and I was trying to talk about toning it down and Michelle was just sniping at her the whole time. Disparaging remarks about her insistence on dressing as women she couldn't impersonate. The worst part was that I think if Daphne would accept just dressing up as an ordinary woman, Michelle might have been willing to participate. But Daphne won't let go of impersonating specific women." The story of Diane was not complicated at all. She lived alone in a small two bedroom apartment. "In one bedroom was Diane. Her clothes, everything. It was furnished like a woman's bedroom. In the other bedroom was her male alter ego, Ralph. What was so weird was that she seemed so uncomfortable as Ralph and so comfortable as Diane. She was dressed as Ralph when I got there, but changed into Diane clothes right afterwards. She stayed that way the entire evening. We went out to dinner and a movie, and she functioned easily as Diane the whole time. There wasn't anything she needed me to teach her about being a woman." "I'd guess what she wanted from you was acceptance. Being accepted as a woman by another woman means a lot to a gender-conflicted male. She was probably just happy that you accepted her as Diane." "I think that was it. But I also think she might be going to the top of the gender-conflict building to become a transsexual." "Perhaps, but what will have to happen first?" "She will have to decide that she's a TS and make the first move." "Excellent. You are really learning after all." Continued in the site... |
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